Note: This reflection was initially composed on April 25, 2026, and is written in the past tense. It has been backdated to the day of her death, June 11, 2014, to appear in chronological order.
My mother had passed away at Osceola Regional Medical Center on June 11, 2014, at 7:15 pm. There is a question about the exact time. There is so much surrounding the lead-up to her death from the time that she called informing me that she had stage IV cancer, the reconnection over the year, her visit to my siblings and me, and the last days before her death.
There were many family dynamics at play, and childhood memories that my siblings and I were dealing with. I was also starting to find myself after going through a divorce, doing a short sale on my house, and reconnecting with my siblings. It often seemed that any time I would start to enjoy life, I would get hit with some bad news about my mom and struck with a sense of guilt. I became the central point of contact for everyone, keeping me updated and passing information on to everyone else. One of the most frustrating things for me was that after many years with hardly any contact, the effect of the loss of my mother came as a great surprise.
The death of my mother was also followed by the death of my grandmother, uncle, and two cats in quick succession, and was perhaps one of the most difficult times in my life.
This post is messy. There is a lot here. The journey from diagnosis to her death, and what I experienced afterward. Much of it is for me, my siblings, and my nieces and nephews when they have questions. Death is messy for everyone, leading up to the event and the fallout afterward – not just for the person who passes, but for everyone they know. It helps to have someone by your side to walk you through that grief. Much of my mother’s cancer journey is based on archived conversations I had with her. Maybe one day, I’ll clean this up. Maybe split it into separate posts. For now, here is a table of contents.
Cancer Journey
Mom learned about her condition on Christmas Eve of 2012. I believe she messaged my brother Lucas, my sister Becky, and me on January 16, 2013, to break the news. I was on the Metro in Washington, DC, on my way home from work, at Dupont Circle, along with a coworker, when I read her first message.
I think it’s difficult to explain the impact of cancer on a family, both the emotional and physical toll. One thing I have is a screenshot of my weight taken daily from the time that I separated from my ex-wife, around the same time, to the week prior to my mother’s death. From here, you can see the sharp decline from over 300 pounds down to 280 as I was gaining control over my health, finances, and social life. Then my weight went up just as quickly as it had gone down as things worsened.
“Sick” too often
On September 17, 2013, the CEO at work called my team into a conference room to try a morale-building exercise. He had everyone speak about what was going on great in their lives. It was difficult, as I had many negative things. Then my team lead went and talked about his family taking his dog to the vet to put it down. I had reflected on Max that was lost a few years prior. Each person continued on, and it was soon to come to me. However, before it did, I left the room, went to the bathroom, and broke down. Once I gathered myself, I left, went home, and sent an email off to the lead where I was. He asked what was up.
re: Home
I’ve been through a lot this past year and had to reflect on it while listening to what was great in everyone else’s personal life that I envied. Instead I could only reflect on what I am dealing with
Adultery, divorce, lawyer fees, losing my house, mom getting cancer, dropping out of school, health problems, employment, uncertainty, etc.
I thought most of it had been behind me and that things were starting to improve in my life until today. I’ve not been able to reflect on these matters much since the late policy went into effect. The meeting had good intentions, but a few things felt odd about what was going on with the meeting and the direction it took.
I left because I was not in a good state and prefer not to make the day awkward returning to both the meeting or just going strait to the team room. I also wasn’t sure I could get past talking about the good points in my personal life today without having any problems internally reflecting. There is just too much leading up to why my personal life is the way it is rite now.
The team is good to me and has certainly kept me from reflecting on the negative things going on this past year.
I apologize about your dog though. I Went through a similar issue a few years ago with one of my cats.
I continued to take sick days with the stress, medical appointments, and dentist’s visits. On June 6, 2013, I took another sick day, and the team lead said I would need to take a vacation day as my sick balance was way negative.
Family History
On January 27, 2013, I gave my mom some updates on my divorce, including closing financial accounts. I also talked about my stress test, where the “event” didn’t happen, and I felt like doctors didn’t believe what I was explaining until I could get more proof. Until I had an accurate reading of the problem, they couldn’t do anything except to set me up with a long-term monitoring system.
I asked Mom about anyone in her family having cancer, if she was in any pain, and if the doctors were optimistic about getting rid of the cancer.
Mom explained that no one in the family had cancer and that her mother died of dementia. She had gotten diabetes because of the dementia. She said her father had a stroke caused by her mother. There was also something about her father’s mother having two legs removed due to diabetes.
She said that her own cancer would never be gone, as it’s in the bone. They would take out a lump on January 31, 2013, to see how aggressive it was. There were lesions on her liver that they might do something about later. You can cut a small percentage of liver away, and it will slowly reproduce itself, but they hadn’t said much about it to her at the time.
The radiation didn’t cause any pain, but caused lightheadedness and nausea. The chemo sounded like it would be the drag, and she wasn’t aware of when it would start. She explained that cancer was a silent killer, as it has no pain except for the treatment.
A planned visit, and a request
On February 18, I asked for something about her.
I had already visited dad a while back just after getting your news. I did have a talk with him while I was still a bit shaken up with everything going on. His reply to the cancer was that although you were not a part of his life anymore, he wouldn’t wish it on anyone and left it at that. We mostly talked about Cassandra and how dad and I have been doing these past few years.
Back in October, you asked if I would like to have anything. I like to think that I have what I need with material things. I don’t quite know of anything you have that I would place sentimental value on. I had mentioned that a few ashes would be nice to have. In light of what has happened since the time you had asked, I have given some more thought to it.
Something about you as a person, rather than material things, would be adequate. I would like to have experiences, stories, advice, and insight that you may like to pass down. if you could write them in a book, take a video, tell me in person, or have a friend record an interview with you on a cassette tape or digitally, that would be great. If there are things that you don’t want anyone else to know, let me know and I’ll keep it to myself.
Becky had invited me to come down with her on the first week of April. I’m going to check with my manager this week to see if I can get a week of time approved.
The good news is that us kids are getting closer and talking. It’s a bit disheartening that it took something like this for us to start talking to each other.
Mom commented how she, Dad, and Becky came to Alexandria and took me, my brother, and his wife out to Red Lobster in 97 or 98, when I was living with them, and that it would be nice if I could take a week off and come down with my sister. It sort of felt like a guilt trip, in a way, like I owed her or something. The only time I recall mom and dad visiting me was when I was in the hospital around that time. It brought up bad memories because I associated it with what I later learned was going on just before she ran off to Florida and took a trip to Montana, without talking to anyone for a month or telling anyone that she was leaving dad.
Lumpectomy & Visit Approved
On February 25, a general surgeon reviewed his work for a lumpectomy and MediPort placement and said it looked good. She had a PET scan scheduled on March 13, 2013, to see if things were changing for the better with her medicine. At that time, I got permission from work to take off the first week of April to visit. The plan was to go down with my sister Becky and her husband. Mom offered one of the rooms at her place to stay, but I declined. I wanted a place to destress and relax.
Zofram and Privacy
On March 13, Mom was taking Zofram to keep from throwing up, but she felt really dragged out and didn’t want to do anything. The main thing at the time was that she didn’t want my sister Bonnie or my Dad to know anything more about what was going on with her.
Hand Print
At the beginning of April, Mom said she had a disc with my handprint, in pinkish clay, in a bubble wrap mail bag. She commented on how small my hand was and recommended getting a small saucer plate hanger to put it on my wall, and to do another one with my hand today. My response was to ask her to put one of her hands next to it instead, and we started working on the logistics. She also said that when my brother came to visit, she can send it back with him.
Radiation & Optic Nerve Treatment
Mom started going through treatments for the cancer against her optic nerves. She had to lie flat, so it felt like it was killing her back. She was taking medicine before going to help avoid the “yucky” feeling, and ended up throwing up after she got home. It took five hours to get the rest of it out of her system and start feeling better. She came to the conclusion that she would have to do it without the medications and deal with her back hurting. Any time a commercial came on with food, she would change the channel. With all of the throwing up, she missed her evening and bedtime medications.
Mom was going through treatments for her optic nerve. She had her fourth treatment on April 24, 2013. Besides taking care of her health, the usual stuff was going on around her house. She said her septic was pumped out for $250 the week prior, and added some yeast to make it easier to pump out next year.
Bracelets
Mom was a big fan of A&E Custom Products for their different bracelets. On April 30, 2013, I purchased their Breast Cancer Survivor Charm paracord bracelet. Mom had gotten one for herself, and I purchased one to keep her in my thoughts. With shipping and taxes, it came out to $24.19. When you are focused on supporting family and friends, an expensive purchase is out of mind. She was fighting and still hopeful. To this day, the charm bracelet hangs on my car’s rearview mirror.
Hand Print Plate
Mom had found an old plate with my handprint from when I was a child. Mom asked my siblings and me for things that we wanted, and there wasn’t much of anything physically. Since she had found the old plate, I asked if she could make a plate for herself so that I can hang them both together. We found a kit with air-dry clay, but it cracked while drying. I started reaching out to online services, including “This Little Piggy Handprints”, at the end of May 2013 to see if it was possible to take a print and mail it for firing. It wasn’t possible, but she referred me to the Handprint Lady.
I found a place in Orlando where she could do ceramics and pottery painting called “Pottery Pad Orlando”. She was going to look into it, but I hadn’t heard anything more about it.
Vacation 5K
At the end of June, Mom started planning on coming up to visit and sneak up to the finish line at my sister’s first 5k. Becky had been posting on Facebook about her journey, getting control over her health, and preparing.
Mom came up for a two-week vacation in July of 2013. She was having problems because airports were only renting to locals, and if she used a debit card, they wanted a $300 deposit instead of $200. Her credit score was low enough that some of the places wouldn’t want to rent to her. She asked me if I had a major credit card, but I didn’t have any, and given the short sale I had gone through with my house, her credit score sounded very high to me. I believe my brother had lent her his car, or rented one for her.
The trip itself was essentially the big “goodbye”. She timed it around my sister’s first 5K marathon after my sister lost a lot of weight. Mom surprised her by meeting her at the finish line, and an article about it, along with photos, was published. A video of the event was also posted on Facebook.
Potomac Highlands Distance Club (PHDC) July 25, 2013: Rebirth: 5K run starts new journey for Rebekah (Internet Archive)
At this time, Mom also delivered her memoir to my brother, my sister Becky, and me. She had asked me not to let my other sister, Bonnie, have it. I couldn’t read through it at the time. It took years before I could, and even then, it was difficult. After 12 years, I had enough time to read it analytically and with curiosity. She had handwritten every page and given each one a title. Each of us had a third of the original handwritten pages, and copies were made for the remainder. I later digitized everything into PDFs using a document scanner, but it was still a long process. OCR did not do well recognizing the handwriting, so everything was read manually.
Brain Scan
On September 12, 2013, I asked my mom if she had ever had an MRI done. I’d like the raw data to print it out on a 3D printer. It just so happened that she had a PET scan on the upcoming Monday and had a prior MRI. She explained that it was like her previous head MRI, but more in-depth. She also offered a mammogram and ultrasound of her breast on DVD, but I stated that I preferred brains. She would ask her doctor for the MRI and see if she could get a CD of the PET, which would give me a before-and-after of the tumor removal. She was interested in weird Halloween decorations, but I had explained that I was thinking about making a USB drive of her brain to hold her memories, explaining it was silly but sentimental. She thought it would be cool. I sent her a video link of a brain being 3D printed and a tutorial on how to create the model using a program called FreeSurfer, which would take 1-2 days to process the MRI data and convert it to an STL file, and then bring the complex model into MeshLab for simplification. Simplification was necessary because STL files couldn’t handle objects with more than 20,000 faces.
Make:
June 23, 2013
How-To: 3D Print a Model of your Brain
by: Michael Columbo
Brain MRI
On December 21, 2013, I received a big package from mom that also included a CD with her MRI sinus scans. We had talked about converting her brain scan into a 3D model, and that I would use it as a shell around a USB disc containing a scan of her journal she was working on. I was happy with the 1mm resolution, but it was focused more on dense matter, such as bone and cartilage. I was able to convert it into a 3D model, and you could see the absence of brain tissue where there was a tumor the size of a golf ball.
Medicine Not Working
On January 16, Mom had an appointment with her Oncologist. The medication wasn’t working, nor was some Tea she was trying. Her numbers went up 170, higher than last year when she started. She wasn’t aware of how high the numbers could go, but had heard rumors of people reaching the 400s. She was waiting on approval for Faslodex (Fulvestrant), which would be injections in her butt two times every 2 weeks, and then once a month after that. She didn’t like needles.
Weight Loss
At the beginning of February 2014, Mom was having problems with her liver and was waiting on approval from her insurance for a CT Scan. She had a sharp drop in weight loss that month. She was asking questions about my surgery and how long I would be in the hospital. I responded that it was just an overnight stay on Friday (16th or 23rd). She recommended taking it easy and not pushing to get back to work if I wasn’t feeling right.
It was around this time that I had a pacemaker implanted and took time off from work to recover. I returned to work on February 25. On the 26th, Mom’s liver was having issues, and she was still waiting for her CT scan approval to figure out what was going on with her blood sugar, which would continue to be high. Her weight had stopped dropping, but she was still worried it might start dropping again. Eventually, she got her CT Scan approved.
High Sugar
At the end of March of 2014, I got a report that Mom’s blood sugar would spike, sometimes to 500 or higher, as a result of the cancer being in her liver. She had lost 30 pounds in just under two months, and most of the time she was sleeping. She was very weak and not eating much. On March 21, her blood sugar was 831. Mom and her tenant had a conversation about it. He felt that the doctor wasn’t doing anything about it. They decided that she needed to be in a hospital, and she admitted herself. She was put into the ICU. She was able to speak, but was extremely tired. However, she was doing better than the day prior.
On the morning of March 26, she responded to me over Facebook Messenger that she had returned home. She said she had blood sugar out of control for too long, and sores were becoming Mersa [sic] (MRSA Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus). This was the last Facebook post that she sent me.
Hospice
By May 25, she was in hospice care. Cancer treatments had been stopped as there was nothing more that could be done.
Last Days
In her last days, she had suffered a stroke. She had another stroke, and just talking with her over the phone was very difficult as her slurred speech made her sound like a little child. I knew the inevitable was close at hand. I would get updates from my siblings, family friends, and one of her tenants during the workday.
Mom would talk to people, and it sometimes felt as if she was saying things just to prove she still remembered things. People would call me, breaking down in our conversations. I could hear it in their voice, and in turn, it was hard to keep my composure.
The Phone Calls
I talked with one of Mom’s tenants during my lunch break, who informed me that Mom finally got into hospice care. From my understanding, once you go into hospice care, there is no returning. It was tough, but I managed to stay composed at work. Later that afternoon, my neighbor (a past coworker) came over to cheer me up.
I was up late working with a new Google Chromebook I had received recently when I got a phone call from her tenant at two in the morning, saying she was about to go. She returned to the hospital and was in the emergency room getting stabilized. She had a weak pulse, was hallucinating, lucid, pupils were not responding correctly, and she was only recognizing one of the people she was living with. She was having kidney failure and was unresponsive at times. She was unable to keep liquids or fluids down, and the doctors were uncertain if it was a stroke or a heart attack. My sister was leaving work and taking a flight.
It seemed hopeless. I couldn’t do anything. The first thing I did afterward was to write.
Read: Mom Rushed To Hospital
Afterward, I decided to drive. I couldn’t let my sister go through it alone, and I’d be damned if mom didn’t want us rushing down to visit her in her last days.
The Long Drive
I was living in Fairfax, Virginia, and drove down to Kissimmee, Florida, without sleep. One thing I recall is realizing I had left a Google Chromebook on the roof of my car before I took off, because I couldn’t find it anywhere when I returned. I sent off an email to my workplace letting them know where I was going and that I wouldn’t be there for the day.
I had an app set up to show where I was located, so people could follow along. Back when I worked for digitalNATION, my roommate ended up filing a missing persons report when I last rode off to Florida, so I figured it would be best to keep everyone informed without them having to worry. I set up a Facebook post linking to an app that would keep them updated based on my phone’s reported GPS location.
Just as soon as I started driving, I realized I needed gas. It was payday (or the day after), and the funds wouldn’t hit my account until later in the day. I started to panic, realizing that my checking account wouldn’t be able to cover a tank of gas, let alone the trip to Florida. I had plenty of money in savings, but I had set up my account so that I would have to appear in person to withdraw it as a safeguard against spending it. That night, I found out I could transfer funds from my savings to my checking account immediately and use them to fuel my vehicle for the rest of the trip. Although this was an emergency, it was a bit disappointing, as the safeguard I had put in place was now symbolic.
It was a long and tiresome ride. It seemed to take much longer than I had expected. I believe it took around 16-17 hours in total, as I had to stop quite often to walk around, shake off fatigue, and get caffeinated. During that drive, I kept thinking about my mother’s wishes. She invited my siblings and me the year prior. At the time, she said she didn’t want us to make a big fuss and come in her final hours. Part of me was feeling like saying, “fuck that, I’m coming anyway.”
My sister arrived in Florida and was in the emergency area getting updates about Mom. She kept me updated, and I let her know where I was when I stopped, how many miles away, and the latest estimated time of arrival on my GPS app. I needed sleep, but I had to keep going.
I’d see Facebook posts from friends and family, letting others know that mom was rushed to the hospital the night prior, had been in hospice with cancer. No one wanted Mom to suffer anymore, but they didn’t want to say goodbye either. Reading between the lines, you could sense that everyone knew what was about to happen.
I had made it to Florida, but I was still about an hour and a half away when I got a phone call from my sister at 6:13 pm. I didn’t answer, but I knew what it meant. Rather than keep driving, I figured I should stop at a gas station and check out what’s going on, rather than let my mind wander. I fueled the car and got some food first. I thought I should take care of every “responsible” thing first, as I didn’t know how I would feel after hearing the news. In my mind, I hadn’t heard the news yet, so Mom was still alive for just a little while longer.
I was already drained of energy and tired. I called my sister, and she confirmed what I had suspected. She was at mom’s side for a few hours, as the church had raised funds and paid for her to fly down. I hadn’t flown before, and still had a fear of planes at the time, so driving was the quickest mode of transportation for me, other than a few Greyhound bus transfers and screaming kids, or possibly a train. But she had informed me that she had gone out of the room to get a snack, and Mom had passed away. Mom got her final wish after all.
My sister directed me to meet her at moms place instead. By the time I arrived, I was in a daze, smelly, and ready to sleep. My sister gave me a hug. I don’t remember much about what happened after that night. My aunt sent an email to everyone on my dad’s side of the family, and my dad replied the next morning that he was saddened and that it hit him hard. He wished things could have been better for our family and sent lots of love.
The Days After
My sister and I stayed in our mother’s room for a week. There were strange things in the room that left much to the imagination. Mom slept on a mattress that was on the floor, which bothered me a bit. I’m concerned when I see children sleeping on the floor or on beds that are on the floor rather than elevated. It feels like people are living in squalor, unable to afford a metal frame to elevate the bed and keep insects away. Perhaps it was more accessible to Mom, as she did have mobility issues.
One of her tenants was a bit spooky. I had a dream about him standing in the hallway, just staring at my sister and me as we slept, while Mom’s door was wide open. In the past, Mom had talked about trust issues with some of her tenants who paid weekly. The bathroom didn’t have toilet paper, as everyone was expected to bring their own roll. Mom had her own bathroom attached to her room that was a project of its own in her final year, converted into a more accessible bathroom with a walk-in shower. The main thing that I recall is that the water smelled like rotten eggs.
The day after moms death, my sister and I went to the funeral home where my mom had made arrangements. I didn’t know what to expect. I remember we looked through a magazine of different urns, but everything was expensive. Mom had tried to set up some kind of agreement where she would prepay for her funeral expenses so that everything would be covered by the time she passed. Unfortunately, she hadn’t been paying long enough for it to be valid. The cremation alone, without a viewing or anything, would be around $3,000. It’s something I couldn’t afford.
In the first few days, one of Mom’s tenants, who was more like a daughter to her and from West Virginia, showed us some of Mom’s favorite places. We went to Cherry Pocket Fishing Resort Tavern, which sold crab legs, and someone had a giant dead alligator in the back of their pickup truck. We also went to Downtown Disney, saw many vintage cars, and visited a LEGO store. There was the car from the Griswolds’ family vacation, which seemed like a boxy version of a station wagon, and the General Lee from The Dukes of Hazzard. A matchbox car was placed next to it, and I held up my hand in front of the camera to pretend that I had squished it.
We also visited the Rain Forest Cafe, which was a first for me. We both had some dog tags engraved in a vending machine to memorialize Mom’s passing. My sister and I also went to a board game store, and she learned about some of my passions. There was a giant red Hulk, and we took pictures of each other with it. I decided to spread out my arms and make fists to lighten the mood, and she followed suit.
The place seemed to rain often and intermittently. There may have been a few heavy showers throughout the day, with bright sunshine in between. Street signs were huge and lighted. Many of the intersections had a blue light above the traffic lights so officers could determine whether you had run a red light, which I was told was very difficult to beat in the state whenever people got them. At one point, someone brought out a 32-ounce bucket of boiled peanuts from a peanut patch. They said that Mom loved them. I hadn’t heard of boiled peanuts before, and tried one. I didn’t care for them.
Barbara Moten Memorial
On June 13, I created a Facebook page, Barbara Moten Memorial. Many people left their condolences. I posted many photos of her as they were discovered among her things. My sister, who had been estranged, often spoke negatively. I understood that she needed to say what she needed to say, as both the grieving process and anger were involved. However, it eventually became too much, and she was upsetting others, so I blocked her from the page. After giving her time to cool, I eventually unblocked her.
Bok Tower Gardens
One of the more solemn places we went to was Bok Tower Gardens. The place was quiet, serene, and peaceful. There were squirrels in the parking lot, often running about looking for things. I remember signs asking people not to spread ashes in some places. We walked the paths, and I recall thinking to myself that a year prior, I wouldn’t have been able to walk in this park. Although the inclines were gradual, and not a thought to most people, they would have given me problems where I would have to pause until I could focus on getting my heart beat back up to normal and continue. I had just had a pacemaker implanted, which had given me a new lease on life, and was still discovering things that I normally couldn’t do.
At one point, we were led down to a “Window By The Pond”. I was a wooden shack where the back wall was missing, and the front wall was glass. It had seating so that you could observe the wildlife at the pond without spooking them. We were told that it was my mother’s favorite place to come. I was wondering what my mom was feeling when she came. What was she thinking about?
Later on, we visited the tower itself – or at least, walked around it. At one moment, my sister knelt down, facing the tower. I could tell it was a personal moment for her. I walked away and kept an eye on her. At one moment, I took a photo of her just looking up at the tower. It was a powerful image just watching her, and looking at the photo afterward.
Reading of the Will
At one point, I was called into the kitchen where one of moms tenants read her will. It was just my sister Becky and me present, and the two tenants’ mom was often talking about, which made it feel like a family environment.
She left a few things for me, but they were things of mine from my childhood, including a goofy watch whose hands went backward. My brother got his Mickey Mouse watch back. The will came down to my other sister, Bonnie. It was more like hearing something out of a movie. She kept reading out a few last names of all the boyfriends and husbands she had, followed by “or whatever your name is – I leave you nothing,” and then went on with her grievances.
The tenant reading the will had inherited the property, along with the girl who showed us Bok Towers. It was expected. Mom had reached out to my siblings and me, asking if we were interested, but I knew nothing about Florida or renting to people, and it looked more like a double-wide trailer home that was constantly in need of repairs. It seemed like more trouble than it was worth. The tenant reading the will had helped her get out of a bad situation in life, and she, in turn, helped him get out of an addiction. It only made sense, as he was living there already, and seemed more responsible and trustworthy than the other tenants.
At one point, Mom came to state how her remains were to be handled. She had already arranged for a pre-paid cremation, but didn’t live long enough to have paid enough toward the service. She said two of my siblings and I could have ashes, and whatever was remaining should be flushed down the toilet. She said something along the lines that her life was shit, and that’s where she will rest.
There was another part about a few life insurance policies (five?) that she had taken out, but they were too new, and my understanding is that she may have taken them out after she became aware of her condition.
Among some of the papers she had was the death certificate of her mother. I hadn’t been aware that she had passed away at the end of 2002. It brought me back to the last time I talked to her when I was in the ICU for a couple of weeks. I wanted to visit her house after I got out and went to my other grandmother’s for Thanksgiving, but I didn’t know how to get there, and there weren’t GPS apps on phones yet.
Mom had left some whips to the woman who was more like a daughter to her. I had some fairly bad memories in my childhood regarding the whips that had me shaking when I talked about their history. She asked if I wanted them to be destroyed, and I said no. After returning home, I changed my mind and asked that they would be.
Rumors & Stories
After someone passes, people tend to talk. With mom, they talked a lot. Before her death, my sister would often hear stories about her in Keyser, WV. Mom knew a lot of people, and after delivering the mail, she got to know quite a few people. And people tend to talk after you’ve been gone for many years.
Down in Florida, we learned about her history to fill in the gaps. Some of her medical history, prescriptions, and lifestyle. I found that she was taking similar medications that I had taken previously for conditions she dismissed decades ago. With mom, many things seemed far-fetched, like out of a movie. But that was Mom. A force not to be reckoned with, and great at using systems to get her way.
I learned that she worked at many places – Office Depot, The Home Depot, Universal Studios, and even as a toll booth operator.
One story was about her work as a toll booth operator. The story went that it was raining. A man didn’t want to roll down his window and hand her change, so instead he fed individual coins through the window, rolling down just enough to pass them through. Once he had paid, she let him pass. Afterward, she reported him to the police for a toll violation. The officer returned, reviewed the cameras, and found that Mom had made a false report.
That was Mom’s classic M/O in a nutshell, using a system to hurt people.
Another story was about a time she went to Walmart. A mobility scooter wasn’t available at the entrance, so she sat on the floor and wouldn’t move until one was brought to her. It was an embarrassing scene to be seen with her, throwing a fit over it. Mom had part of her foot amputated due to diabetes, and walked with a cane. She had custom shoes made so that she could walk. In her last years, she got a mobility scooter of her own, but had been very aggressive with it.
I had also learned that Mom had borrowed a few thousand dollars from her sister, and rather than paying it back, she claimed bankruptcy. It made sense. When my apartment caught fire, she kept all the insurance money for herself, claiming I would spend it on a party. My sister took out a credit card without her knowledge, ruining her credit. Dad told me in the past that he would have to pay off Mom’s credit cards a few times, so it wasn’t too surprising. I just didn’t know she would do that to her sister as well.
We also heard that Mom married once, but divorced a year and a day later. My sister and I heard many stories about her relationships, the lifestyle she lived at one time, and the trouble in the family when it was just my brother and me.
It was also revealed that Mom had taken money from the house to fund her trip to visit my siblings and me the prior year during my sister’s 5K run.
My understanding is that she left my dad and ran off to Florida with a glass blower who came through at the fairgrounds one year. The relationship didn’t last. She still wanted to be with the guy up to the very end, but he wouldn’t even talk to her when he was told it might be the last time.
Visiting Sister
My sister and I went over to visit our other sister in Winter Park. She brought her children with her to a park. My niece was taking photos of me, so I took one of her holding the camera. My nephew found a pipe, so his mom took it away. We were there for a while. We talked about the will and a few things with mom.
Packing Moms Things
After a couple of days, I was ready to start going through mom’s things, but my sister was hesitant because it felt wrong. A day or two later, she was ready. She and one of the tenants asked me to go through her drawers to find something and throw it out. Afterward, my sister joined me, and we started to go through things. There were a few things I had a good idea of, but I didn’t necessarily want to explain them. We made a call so my sister could hear about them from someone else after we sent photos via text.
Part of going through stuff, we were saddened to realize that the sentimental value of things was lost. Mom kept a lot of things. We recognized things from our childhood, like a post office shirt, stamps from a postal expo, and a framed photo of the Delta Queen from a trip she and my dad took once. It’s just that everything else was junk without a story, and leaving it behind felt like leaving behind a part of Mom that we didn’t know about.
We packed a few things into boxes that would fit in my car. Mostly things like photos and scrapbooks. I found an old VCR tape from grade school of me in an Alice in Wonderland play, and another one of my sister at school. Many years later, they were both digitized for preservation. My sister couldn’t bring much with her because she was flying, so I packed as much as I could in my car.
Back Home
I don’t remember the trip back home. I remember having a hard time at work (ARPC) dealing with “grievance” and days permitted, sick leave, and vacation days not adding up. There was a provision allowing 2 or 3 days of grievance under a certain condition. Just dealing with it was exhausting. I think this was probably one of the main catalysts at work (divorce & death of Mom, grandma, uncle Stanley, and my cats), which I eventually left the next year.
One thing I recall is that a coworker said I spoke with a twang. My sister and I were together for about a week, processing our grief together, and I must have caught it from her.
My brother had been supportive of my going down. He was tied down, but knew that my sister needed me for support. If she hadn’t gone already, I don’t think I would have gone.
Malpractice
I got a call from moms tenant, who had inherited the property. He said that a bill had arrived from her doctor. He was furious, as the doctor claimed to have performed a procedure after she had passed away. He wanted to file something against the doctor in response. He said he would keep me updated so that I could pass the information along, but I hadn’t heard more about it afterward.
Urn
Mom didn’t want my siblings and me to make a big deal over her death, and she got her way by passing when no one was in the room. Her will was really getting to me, asking for her ashes to be flushed down the toilet. I started looking at urns and found I could get a custom brass urn from Memorial Gallery for a reasonable price compared to other options. It came to about $400, including FedEx 2Day shipping and handling, as well as the effort to engrave and paint the urn. I had some back-and-forth conversations with the company before I went in and purchased the urn on June 17.
Order Summary
Custom Brass Urn-Hand painted!
Select Font for Engraving:: Yes, engrave with Script Font
Special Customization being requested::
Special Customization being requested:: Lilac Purple Background
Disney Goofy Character hugging a Tree Frog
A brown frog and a green frog at his feet.
Mom loved collecting nick-knacks that looked like frogs, and she really loved goofy. Her favorite color was the lilac flowers in our back yard growing up. She also liked Indians, but I don’t know how that could be worked in. But she really loved frogs.
I would like to see the picture (or a rough draft) you guys come up with before you go ahead and create the urn.
Engrave Front as follows::
1st Line (max 30 chars):: Barbara Ellen Royston Moten
2nd Line (max 30 chars):: “Goofy Froggy”
3rd Line (max 30 chars):: November 9, 1954
4th Line (max 30 chars):: June 11, 2014
Add engraved clip art to Front? (Click on selection to view): No Thanks
Engrave Back as follows::
Add engraved clip art to Back?: No Thanks
MG custom brass urn $369.79
Subtotal: $369.79
Shipping & Handling: $32.17
Tax: $0.00
Order Total: $401.96
I few days later, I spoke with the company over the phone, and followed up with some pictures of clip-art for reference. I was mainly asking if Goofy could be hugging a frog and have other frogs around him – maybe one looking over his shoulder. For the native American theme, perhaps put a feather in his hat and/or add a totem pole made of frogs behind him.
I reached out five days later to ask for an update on the drawing, and it seemed I had gotten the wrong impression from our past conversation. They came with some suggestions, but it seemed I would need to do most of the artwork myself or submit a single image for them to work from.
I found a cartoon and created an image of Goofy with four frogs to represent my siblings and me on a lilac background, which was moms favorite color and flower.
The next evening, I received a proof of what the engraver had in mind after adding a full headdress rather than a single feather. I missed the fact that there were only three frogs instead of four, and I said to run with it. However, it sort of makes sense looking back on it. Mom and one of my sisters were estranged and didn’t get along. However, she’s still on the lid. I figured the two frogs on the back were the girl next door when we were growing up, and the woman tenant at her house. Each was treated like her daughter, or at least someone younger for her to talk to, help, and encourage.
After a week, the urn was engraved, painted, and shipped out on July 9 directly to the tenant who inherited Mom’s property.
My little sister got a little square stone block with a picture of birds flying away.
Receiving ashes
It was a Saturday, sitting by the front door, cracked open, waiting for my mother’s ashes to be delivered. I had a tracking number and kept refreshing the page to view updates. It seemed kind of fitting. The fact that she had put so many years in the post office as a carrier, and now they were bringing her home. Suddenly, the update changed to indicate that no one was available. I was shocked. No one had come by, and I immediately made some calls, but it was past office hours.
I was able to call the post office on Monday to sort things out, and was told that I could use the website to set up a redelivery request. I asked for them to redeliver with the following note:
I’LL BE HOME ALL DAY. KNOCK ON THE DOOR. IF I DON’T ANSWER QUICK ENOUGH, LEAVE IT AT THE RENTAL OFFICE. (I’VE GOT STITCHES IN MY FOOT AND IT’S HARD TO GET TO THE DOOR)
Her ashes arrived on July 19. The urn was on display in a little alcove by the entrance in my apartment until I moved out. Prior to that, the alcove held boxes of board games. Other items displayed included Mom’s Chinese fortune sticks, a Goofy Pez dispenser, a stuffed frog, a badge holder from Universal Studios, and two discs bearing handprints. One disc was from me in elementary school, and one was from her after we reconnected during her treatments. Her disc is very fragile, porous, and brittle, so it’s been kept in a padded box ever since I packed it during the move.
One of my cats died afterward, and I received a clay disc with his paw print, which I added to the alcove. My heart seemed to ache more for him than for my mother. After 12 years, it’s two different forms of grief reflecting back on my cat vs my mother. Time lets you adjust to life’s changes and reflect.
Sometimes I joke that I’m keeping my dead mother in my basement. True, but it’s just her ashes. I haven’t brought her urn out into the light since the move from Regents Park. It’s rare that I will go through the boxes unless I’m looking for something. Even then, it can become emotional if I’m not careful. Eventually, there may come a time when I’ll take her ashes and scatter them against her wishes. I refuse to flush them down a toilet.
As of 2026, plenty of time has passed. I’m having trouble learning to forgive, or what it actually means to forgive. I don’t know if I want to scatter my mother’s ashes alone or involve my siblings. I don’t know if I can ever let go of the past, but having her around is starting to feel like a forgotten memory until something comes up.
Perhaps I’ll carry out some of the things we talked about when she was still alive. One thing she took a liking to was putting her ashes in a firecracker so she could go out with a bang. Other ideas discussed included making a diamond necklace using her ashes. Another was burying it with a tree seedling. It sounds like a project. I don’t need another project at the moment…
News Clippings
Orlando Sentinel, June 13, 2014. Deaths in Central Florida. Barbara Ellen Moten, 59, Kissimmee, died Wednesday. Conrad & Thompson Funeral Home, Kissimmee.
